In Preparation

I am not six months pregnant.

I’m kind of caught between I wish I were and I’m glad I’m not.

It has been just over four months since I lost my pregnancy, and almost five since I found out that the loss was inevitable.

I am dealing really well with the reality of the situation, although I have moments that make the loss very fresh and real and bring forth unwanted sadness, tears, and anger.

It’s really hard sometimes to envision a world in which I could actually be a mother. As if in that first pregnancy loss all hope of any future child was also dashed. This is ridiculous, of course . . . Perhaps. But it is a real and sometimes crushing fear. And sometimes I wonder, do I even want to be a mother now? Has that desire been taken away with the hopes of that first baby, leaving only jealousy for those who get that chance behind? It’s a hard thing, you know, trying to become something you once wanted to be so very badly after a loss so viciously final.

All the same, I am planning ahead for when we decide it’s ok to try again. In case we do.

As we were packing up and relocating our belongings into a box mountain in the dining room, in preparation for the move to our new house, I took from its coffin the primary What to Expect book and flipped through the section on what to do Before you are expecting.

In preparation for the pregnancy that may or may not ever come, I have decided to treat my body as if I were already pregnant.

As I’ve mentioned before, I was not in my best health six months ago. I was overweight, didn’t eat right, never exercised. So now, I am on my way to a healthier me. I feel more like myself than I have in ages, and I’ve still got a little ways to go. I’ve changed my eating habits and my exercise habits, and the results are rawther fab. I’ve lost 14 of the 20 pounds too many I had worn. We are moving to our own house away from the noxious fumes of our landlady’s second hand smoke. I quit drinking. And I’m taking prenatal vitamins.

I have a certainty now that once I actually get pregnant again, I’ll be able to gain a healthier amount of weight from a good base point. In the mean time, I’m going to wear my size 4s with pride until there is a happy reason to go back to yoga pants for anything but work, and eat all the sushi I can get my chopsticks around.


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Nan Salomon
    May 12, 2014 @ 16:47:51




  2. Dani
    May 16, 2014 @ 14:28:29

    Thinking of you on your journey and praying for your yoga pants.

    They’re better than regular pants anyway 😉




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