Grief Without Faith

I spent some time reading pregnancy loss stories tonight. I have a lot to say about facing this kind of loss. But I’m going to leave it with these thoughts for tonight, because otherwise we’ll end up with a long angry ranty piece of work that I don’t really want any of us to have to read right now.  

 

I am thankful for all the stories my fellow empty armed mothers have shared. Despite the horrible reminder of what we’ve all been through, these stories also remind me that I’m not alone, and that the horrible cyclone of grief I experience daily is not abnormal. 

 

I have two issues with all these blogs and articles and stories…. 

 

1. It seems like all these women got to see their baby. I feel like a fraud. There was no fetus. He never made it that far. I can’t even frame a little picture of my alien strongbad looking baby in my womb. Because he never made it that far. All I got was emptiness. They didn’t even let me keep the picture of that hollow darkness. 

 

2. All these stories seem to be from the perspective of Christian women. I need to know how to cope and this view point does not help me. I can’t pretend to believe in a God I don’t believe in just so I can have some comfort. I need to know how to cope as a non religious, non christian, part time earth worshiping tree hugger, with atheistic tendencies. I need to know how to cope from a Non Religious standpoint. Where are the articles for people like me??

 

It’s hard enough dealing with pregnancy and child loss without feeling even further separated from the rest of ‘our kind.’

Where are the articles on Grief without Faith? 

Seriously, please, someone tell me. I’m losing my fucking mind.

 

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ashley Nelson
    Sep 08, 2014 @ 22:15:27

    I don’t know how helpful this will be, but maybe?

    http://community.babycenter.com/post/a16141665/dealing_with_griefloss_without_god

    (((hugs)))

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  2. wendryn
    Sep 08, 2014 @ 22:18:57

    I had the same problem both during infertility and when my younger brother died. Everyone wanted to pray for me and tell me how their god could help and it just made me angry. During the worst parts, I made a simple list of things that must be done (eat, feed the animals, that kind of thing). Once it got a little less, well, much (sorry, words still fail me here), I started a journal and I wrote down one good thing every day. Nothing else, and just one, but it helped a little. I also tried to spend time with someone I liked at least once a week.

    When it comes down to the depths of grief, the only way to deal with it is one step at a time, even if it’s a slog.

    Feel free to email if you’d like. I’m a (non-pushy) atheist & I have some experience with grief.

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  3. Kirstin Withajaye
    Sep 08, 2014 @ 22:37:58

    Thanks very much for your response. 🙂
    I started writing down “Things I Love” recently to try overcoming my growing list of “things that I’m upset about”. It is helpful.
    Thank you.

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  4. Goldie
    Sep 09, 2014 @ 02:41:31

    I can sympathise with the second point. You aren’t going mad. I don’t believe in God and even if I did I would be royally pissed at him right now. If you fancy a chat drop me an email 🙂 xxx

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  5. Amanda
    Sep 09, 2014 @ 16:57:15

    I lost my faith as a result of infertility/RPL. Or it was a long time coming and that just pushed me over the edge. It was so much easier to believe that my troubles were “merely” the result of biology going wrong than that God had a plan and this was part of it. Going to services would just make me cry; everything there was an empty sham.

    So I began to take charge of my biology. I had tests run, procedures done to figure out why I wasn’t getting pregnant again. And then again, when I lost another and again a second opinion after an ectopic. Taking charge and making a plan so that next time was different was key to coping with monthly mourning.

    Therapy helped me accept the pain when I was seriously considering giving up. Yes, I’d been dealt a shitty hand and I had every right to feel defeated and depressed. It helped me realize that the pain of giving up was less than the pain of keeping going, and I knew that every month I could make that decision, however I had chosen the month before. That also gave me power.

    I also found a fantastic group of women on various online support forums. When I needed to talk, I had an outlet, and lots of women who knew what I was going through. It still amazes me that there is this secret society out there with the world’s shittiest entrance requirement, but I was so thankful for the women who could give advice and sympathy and knew the right words to say.

    I no longer need faith to know that my babies are still around. Even the one that I never got to see. It is scientifically measurable that their energy, set free too soon, is still here, just no longer in a form I can hold in my arms.

    There’s a fine line to walk between accepting grief and letting it consume you. I hope you are able to find sources of comfort that keep you on the bearable side.

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  6. Rei Weiss
    Sep 09, 2014 @ 18:43:24

    The resources out there really seem sparse but I found a few common themes that might be helpful:
    -Giving the baby a name
    -Creating a special memorial site made of plants, flowers, running water, beautiful rocks, crafts, or anything that feels right to you
    -Creating an online memorial
    -Writing a letter to your unborn baby
    -Choosing/writing poems and/or songs to remind you of the baby
    -Create a memory box for the baby
    -Reach out to others
    -Talk about the death
    -When asked how many children you have, you can say, “I had ( ). Our sweet baby, ( ) died before birth.” This may shock people, but what YOU will be doing is affirming that you still have this child in your heart and memories.
    -Try some therapy. Being able to emote with someone professional not connected with you personally could be insightful and cathartic.

    I hope I found something to help even though I couldn’t possibly grok what you’re going through. If there’s ever anything I can do though, I’m here for you.
    ~Rach

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  7. time is a flat circle
    Sep 14, 2014 @ 18:48:11

    Thank you for writing this. I am struggling with the same thing. I had an ectopic with no ultrasound photo, no heartbeat to hear. My mother is a born again which makes it worse for me. Since I don’t have the answers yet I’m following this for advice from anyone who does. No religion involved. Feel free to reach out! You are certainly not alone. (Btw, I’m also a WNY girl!)

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  8. jasmineshei
    Sep 23, 2014 @ 16:38:02

    You are not alone. Since my loss, at 26 gestation, I have started a blog and connected to others but have found the connection quite helpful. I hope you will find it a group of bloggers you like.

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