A Cautionary Tale about Afternoon Zombie Eyes

Or, How to save yourself from a truly horrific experience that goes something like, O Gods, My Eyes, It Burns, Holy Shit My Eye Balls are Black, O GODS.

The events start something like this. . .

It’s 4:00 in the afternoon and you just took off your sunglasses after your walk, looked in the mirror and thought, “O thank Horace I had those shades on. I look like Death’s ugly younger sister.”

So, you go into your boudoir and decide a little eye make up would do you good. Even if it is 4:00pm and you have no intention of leaving the house until you go to work tomorrow. You reach for the makeup bag and grab the one containing the selection you Never wear, and think, O, hey, these could use a try. I can’t even remember when I bought these! They really shouldn’t go to waste. After brushing off the flakes that scattered as you applied the shadow base and apply and smooth a little shade, you grab your liquid eye liner you stopped wearing because it always painted the top of your lids after a couple hours, and you realize it’s a lot more liquidy than you remember. Suddenly, you’re all, “HOLY SHIT GODS IT’S LEAKING INTO MY EYE, O GODDAMNIT MY EYE BALL IS NOW COMPLETELY BLACK O SHIT AND NOW SO IS THE OTHER ONE O SHIT O SHIT O SHIT”

Yeah, so This is what you need to do.

Race into the bathroom and wash all the newly applied over expired shit ‘hypoallergenic’/’BlemisHeal’ crap out of your face by doing the following:

Coat your face with grapeseed oil. Massage into skin, careful not to get into your eyes, but also careful to get all the eye makeup crap off the surrounding eye area. With very very very hot water, soak a wash cloth, squeeze out, and lay over your Entire face, pressing it slightly to the skin, and allow to steam. Repeat. Repeat. Taking freshly rinsed and squeezed cloth, gently rub off any excess oil, and set aside. If skin is taut, apply a teensy bit more oil to hand, then massage into face like a moisturizer.

Proceed to boudoir. Take All old makeup, Anything you don’t normally wear, Everything you’ve tried and Did Not Like, and all things you can’t remember when on Mother Earth you bought it. And throw ALL OF THEM INTO THE TRASH BIN.

Put your glasses back on, blink a fair few times, and remember, if it’s that late in the day, on a Thursday, when you have sewing and knitting projects to finish for the SCA event on Saturday, and you work tomorrow, “Beauty” is probably not the most essential activity you could be spending your time on.

ow..motherfucking…ow.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Annika
    Sep 25, 2014 @ 16:52:35

    Hey now. Younger =/= uglier.

    Love,
    Death

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  2. Kirstin Withajaye
    Sep 25, 2014 @ 17:30:16

    (um)

    Like

    Reply

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