Saturday in the Kingdom 

I am surrounded by three sleeping boys:

The little milk-face in my lap.

The canine cuddled on the couch across the living room.

And the Dad, sleeping in our bed upstairs.
His coffee gets cold on the kitchen counter. Mine gets cold in front of me, forgotten as usual as I read.

I am the only one awake as the sun glimmers in the haze on a beautifully March morning. It’s still below freezing outside, but there is hope. A potential 60* for my birthday next week. And, eventually, summer.
Le chien gets down and paces some more. He hasn’t been out yet. 
I look down from my phone into this little muffin’s sleeping face and admire, as always, his eyelashes, brows, funny little hairline. I can’t believe how much he’s grown since he was born.
Milkface wakes up, his great big eyes looking around us.
The dog gets up again and walks upstairs to inform his boy he needs to go out. Or perhaps to lay back down and guard his human’s sleeping form.
Milkface smiles, cozy against my breast.
It’s Saturday in the kingdom. All is calm. All is right.

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Baby Pictures

I know it’s just a little thing, but I worry a lot, so I wanted to clear up any doubt I might have accidentally dribbled around.

Yes, I am sad and disappointed that I am not going to have my baby this July, as planned. I sometimes get very very sad looking at other people’s announcements and baby updates and whatnot.

But, I will never tell you to stop showing off your beautiful family.That would not at all be fair. In truth, I adore many of the photos I see and the excitement I know you are each feeling at the fortune and fabulousness that you have received and worked so hard for.

Sometimes that’s not so true. Sometimes I hide your posts. But it isn’t because of you. It isn’t that I dislike you or your pretty baby. It’s that I can’t look right now because I am thinking of the baby I won’t have and the longing overtakes my joy for you and I have to hide your pictures and posts or I will lose my calm completely.

Today I’m in a pretty good place. I still get teary and choked up at odd times and in response to certain stimuli, but overall, I am in a very good place. So today I did look at all your pretty babies and I smiled and I even laughed with glee at how gorgeous these children are in all their chubby cheeked muddy kneed goofy grimacing glory. I am so happy for each and every one of you. You have been so fortunate to bring that child into the world. And I hope someday to join you as a parent. It might not be today, but it will be someday, and I am very much looking forward to it. And I am so happy for you. So happy! Thank you so much for sharing and keep those updates coming. 

 

xoxo

The Art of Believing in Happiness

These past few years have been an astonishing jumble of happiness and quite mad events.

So many misadventures preceded this time in which I have* loved Nic, that, primarily, I am often quite confused at the fact that I’m actually getting out of life exactly what I want. I still expect, almost daily, although to a lesser extent than I used to, that I will wake up one day and find that all this has been a dream. That is how it has seemed for these years in which I have finally found my happiness.

How did all this happen? How did I get all this? All this . . . ‘stuff’ that I actually want??? How did I find my joy?

It seems like a miracle some days. I worked for it, but that makes it no less miraculous. Sometimes, things just don’t work out no matter how hard you try. But here we are, day after day, creating this beautiful life, together, with a common vision, and a lot of laughter. When so many things have gone wrong in my past, it is a surprise when I get what I have really always wanted, but perhaps forgot I was eligible for:

A loving, caring, and hilarious husband. A fluffy, loving, caring, and hilarious dog. A home to share with them both. A career – not just a string of jobs. The potential for motherhood.

As you know, not all the past three years’ events have been made of happiness, but overall – despite depression, and difficult times, and heartbreak – overall, I am certainly on the Throne of All My Happiest Days So Far ™. And as with all adventures, the greatest Life Adventures do not, and cannot, exist if there is not some goal that is yet insurmountable. With all this joy, we’re going to keep making more of it. We’re going to keep on adventuring. 

I am going to believe in miracles. I am going to believe in hard earned joy. I am going to believe in happiness. 

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*have Known that I did. we’d been friends for years, but a courtship never really occurred to me until one day, out of nowhere, life shouted at me clear as day, You love this man! I’ll tell you about that another time. it’s a pretty cool story. And involves books and continents and adventure.

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